Chumpions

It was late morning, and I found myself in Common Grounds, the most thoroughly hipster establishment in town, slaving over a paper. The World Cup was on, and the U.S. was playing Algeria in the last match in Group play, so, between that and the paper, I’d been made pretty well impervious to any other sense data around me.
But, at some point after the game ended, I became vaguely aware of a presence sitting at the table adjacent from me. It was a pastor sporting a swank t-shirt and spectacles that, considering he was somewhat obese and at best an early 60s child, were thoroughly ridiculous. He was chatting on his cell phone in a gigantic Texas drawl, chatting about his upcoming preaching tour, using the words “Gawd” and “blessed” at such a frenetic rate that you’d thinking stopping would trigger a bomb some terrorist had strapped to his stomach.
I realized, almost with a start, that this pastor had some bumper stickers on his laptop lid which were address to…well, to people like me. “If you’re reading this, thank a teacher,” one read. “If you’re reading this in English, thank a soldier.”
What on earth does that mean? Is he making a reference to the Iraq war, I wondered? But…but they don’t speak English over there, do they? So what are the soldiers over in Iraq doing about teaching people in America English? Or is he talking about the War of 1812, the last time a foreign nation attacked the American mainland? But, even if the British would have won, we’d still be speaking English (possibly with a different accent), and he might still be sitting in this same coffee shop with this same sticker on his computer. Or maybe he’s just a jackass.
But, anyway, yes, there were other bumper stickers. The one directly below that one read “Promiseland”… which is of course explicable in light of previous bumper sticker. Next.
At the base of the lid, a sticker with white gothic lettering and a black background read “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat!” The poor kid sitting next to this pastor must not have noticed this sticker, since the kid himself was also made out of meat. Otherwise, assuming the kid was a rational being, he would have been scared out of his wits. I was a little unnerved myself, though it’s not clear to me whether this was the reason. This pastor was obese enough that, even if he got to thinking about lunch, it wouldn’t be too hard to get away.
I considered trying to explain to this pastor that, before he embarked on his preaching tour, he should consult the Bible on the subject on cannibalism. “God doesn’t like it when people eat people,” I’d planned to tell him. “As a pastor, you should know such things before you go on your preaching tour…although, you are going to New Jersey….” (I would have left the last part off.)
But then I realized he was making a statement about other people’s (biblically-based) moral beliefs. He was saying that being upset about animals living a life filled with torture only toward the end of being ingested—quite likely by this pastor himself—wasn’t ok. In fact, it wasn’t even worthy of respect. Rather, it was worthy of a vitriolic bumper sticker on the back of his computer. Evidently, the business of this particular pastor was to mock God’s created order and the lives others have been called to lead.